Cypress

In December we found out I was pregnant with our third baby.  We were thrilled.

The holidays passed & January came and we got our official confirmation of pregnancy. A strong heart beat at 161 beats/minute. We left the appointment feeling hopeful.

The exhaustion, evening nausea and over indulgence in Trader Joes peanut butter cups was all worth it.

The kids and I decided to join Nathan on a business trip to Austin, an opportunity for us to visit what we call “Framily.” The week for Nathan was jam packed so the kids and I arrived with him on Tuesday morning, but didn’t plan to see him again until late Thursday night.

On Tuesday night, I had some red flags that gave me enough of a pause to text my old Austin OB and see if she could get me first thing the next day. The next morning at the doctor it was immediately clear that the strong heartbeat I had seen a week prior was no longer so obvious.  The doctor said she couldn’t see anything, but wanted to get the specialized ultrasound tech to confirm.   

The ultrasound tech walks in, and shockingly, it was the same woman who saved Elliott’s life that April morning, 5 years ago. She was the one who made the call that he needed to be born, and it needed to be immediate.  She looked at me, and I looked at her, and without question I said “you saved my son’s life” and she said “I knew you looked familiar.”  

She confirmed what I already knew in my heart.  

There was no heartbeat; I was experiencing a miscarriage.  

I felt numb and in disbelief, but I knew without question that I was in the best of hands. I trusted the women in that room with my life & I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to deliver this horrific news.

Nathan left work in the middle of his meetings and met me at his hotel. We cried together, we talked & sat, silently pondering the mysteries of life.  It was brief in the midst of a chaotic week, but it was the time we both needed to feel the comfort in one another.  To remind each other that everything will be ok.

By the time Thursday came, I started feeling some symptoms of my miscarriage. I was in physical pain, but there was a deep emotional toll that was also taking over my mind and body.

Looking back at that time in Austin I am so damn grateful that something so tragic had to happen in one of my safest places with my safest people. Our community there wrapped their arms around us, big time & loved our family so well. Miraculously, the hard week with lots of pain & tears was also mixed in with many moments of joy, laughter, gratitude & comfort.  Words will never describe what the sacrifice of others meant to me during this time, but it is one of the many reasons why Austin will always hold such a special place in my heart.

Getting home was a bit of a different story. We were freshly reminded of the reality we were all living in. The kids were upset & acting out, the calendar had future doctor appointment reminders on it & the ultrasound picture was hanging on our kitchen wall. I climbed into bed and cried myself to sleep.

Nathan and I took the week to just be present. To feel all the waves of emotion that come with something like this. My mother-in-law came to help watch the kids while I had some follow up doctors appointments and could take time to rest. Nathan and I were able to go on a breakfast date & as much as we could, we tried to move forward.

Less than a week at home, the kids and I were back on a plane to Phoenix to visit my parents.  A trip that was already planned- and going to see my parents, especially now, was not something I was going to cancel or change.

We were there for about five days before Nathan joined us, but I spent time as much as I could having good conversations, continuing to process different waves of emotion & watching them love me & my kids so well.

During my stay, I was recalling that early in my pregnancy the word ‘cypress’ came to me in a dream.

I didn’t know why, but I knew it had to mean something.  

I looked up what Cypress means and one of the descriptors found on google is:

“A symbol of mourning.” 

There was a sign from above that had told me, well before I had miscarried, that something wasn’t right–although I didn’t see it until much later.

It just simply wasn’t meant to be.

No matter the pain that comes from this reality, I got a sense of reassurance that was unparalleled to anything I have experienced before.

I do believe that things happen for a reason, and as hard as it is, I am getting to a better place. I am ready to move on the best way I know how & hopeful that what is supposed to happen, will.

To my sweet baby:

You are forever cherished in our little family and we will always love and remember you.  

I know I will think about you when I sit under a Cypress tree or when I see unconditional love in others, like what was shown to me when I was miscarrying you. 

I know you will be the beacon to something that will only serve another purpose that is equally as beautiful as you.  

I know you will forever live in my (our) hearts & I (we) will love you for always.

Until we meet again, my love.