Miscarriage & Mayhem

<<This could be a triggering post and is extremely raw to read (and write). Please proceed with your own caution>>

Anxiety high. Sleep often. Therapy. Doctors. Sadness. Anger. Oh so much anger.

I have ridden this wave before. I know how my body handles trauma, depression, & being overwhelmed. I get it & it just pisses me off. I feel sorry for myself- which I hate. I want to just scream WHY ME? WHY US? WHEN WILL THERE BE AN EVER LOVING BREAK???!!!

When I feel stable, it is manageable. When I don’t, it feels debilitating.

July came and shit hit the fan. It all became too much. Through enough years of therapy, I have learned that I feel emotions at a high level. My empathy for others is high enough that when people I love are hurting, I have a hard time separating myself from it and I hurt just as much. When I feel happiness, I feel it at a high level, and alternatively, when I feel sadness, it hits deep. The swings of emotions in the month of July were far and wide and it felt like the floor just got pulled out from beneath me.

We experienced a death in the family that was tragic and unexpected and two days before I left town to go help my ‘sister’ in so much pain, I checked myself into the ER, self diagnosing my second miscarriage this year.

The results of the ER visit showed that the baby had stopped developing weeks before and had a heart rate that was “diminishing.” Bluntly stated, I left the ER with a dying baby inside me and it was a matter of time before the heartbeat stopped.

Two days later I was in Durango helping out my ‘sister’ – I say this in quotes because we are not blood related, but we are as close as you can be to family. Durango was the only place I wanted to be and I was so happy to be there. But, while in Durango, I was officially miscarrying my baby and doing everything in my mind not to think about what was happening in my body. I was stuffing emotions and suffocating, but it was the only way I knew how to keep moving forward.

When I got home, my parents had driven across country to be at our house and help with the kids while Nathan worked. We went camping that weekend and it was a good respite, but I continued to stuff emotions because thinking about the idea of another miscarriage was too hard.

While camping, I would sleep often and was anxious around the clock. Every night we had s’mores. And every night around the fire I would become neurotic that the kids were going to fall into the fire or something terrible would happen. A clear sign that my depression was high. I felt like I was off my rocker. I could not handle one more single solitary bad thing happening and I was worried 24/7. I was not a joy to be around and no one had to tell me that, I just knew it.

The following week was spent at a funeral in Texas and then preparing for the family vacation we had planned for months in South Carolina.

Life was spent living on airplanes, hotels, packing and constantly on the go.

The beach trip was the light at the end of the tunnel– It was the week our family needed to reconnect. It was lovely. I felt peace, joy, happiness, some equilibrium & hope. We had a wonderful time enjoying the simple things, day in and day out.

When we got home from the beach trip, 24 hours later the depression hit, in full force. Life had resumed to a more normal pace. I had to face the music and deal with what I had been so desperately trying to avoid for the last month. The reality of what this miscarriage means, the feeling of another loss, the pain my body felt and was going through everyday. It was all just too much.

I will spare the details, but what I will say is this. I had a community of people who were holding me up & I desperately needed it. Primarily I want to give a shout out to my mom and dad. Parents don’t stop being parents even when you are 35 with your own life. My parents have helped to keep me afloat this month. They have let me sleep, encouraged me to start my therapy again, taken the kids to school and played with them endlessly, done laundry, given Nathan and I space to grieve, etc. Words will never describe my gratitude for the selflessness that they gave me (us) this month.

There is still a lot to figure out, and big swings of emotions happening. For now, what I am more able to do is allow myself to focus on just day to day tasks. I have a little more energy to cook for the family, find a yoga class to attend, steady my breathing and am finally sleeping through the night. I am taking my medicine and keeping up with a weekly therapist. They are small wins, but wins nonetheless and in really tough seasons, that is important.

If you are reading this and you yourself are struggling, or know someone who is going through something hard, or suffers from anxiety and depression, I am going to leave you with a bullet point list of things that you can do to help. Not one thing goes unnoticed. You can and will come out the other side. Maybe with a bit of a limp, maybe changed, but stronger, more resilient & more capable to handle what life gives you.

Don’t ever give up, or think that is the way out. It never is, it never should be.

How to deal with depression/anxiety:

• Sleep
• Take a shower, brush your teeth. Celebrate that victory
• Find your community and use them
• Take a yoga class, or a walk
• Make a list of things that fulfill you and try to do one a day (small examples: smelling flowers, laying in grass, cooking, listening to scream-o music in the car, bubble bath/hot shower, face masks, read a book, watch your favorite TV show or movie, gardening)
• Drink water
• Keep daily life/tasks very simple
• Ask for help, and use the help offered
• Grace over guilt, always

How to help someone suffering from depression/anxiety:

• Check-in. Texts, calls, send funny meme’s, ice cream, meals etc.
• Don’t ask how you are or what you can do to help– just do it.
• Hold the person. Take their hand, snuggle them, give them a hug. Remind them that they are not alone.
• Sit in silence and just be present, if they are not ready to talk
• Listen, without judgement and speaking, when they are ready to talk
• Have patience & remember that time is what ultimately helps. Don’t rush the process

“You did it while you were exhausted. You did it while you were in pain. You did it while you were sick. You did it while you were depressed. You did it while you were overwhelmed. And you keep showing up and doing motherhood (life), despite everything “