Seasons won’t last forever

So I have been hesitant to write an update on here, because truth be told- I am having a hard time. I once got very honest feedback, by someone who’s opinion I value immensely, that some posts on here can come across as “woe is me.” That is absolutely never my intention. My intention for this blog is to share our journey openly and honestly. Sometimes that may mean there are times of happiness, growth and positive outlook, and other times it may mean that I am processing out-loud the trials and tribulations that our family, and I personally, am facing. Today’s post is the latter.

I am admittedly living in one of the hardest seasons I have ever experienced in my life and my hope in sharing this publicly is to help others not feel so alone when they go through a really tough season as well.

Elliott has been thriving since we have arrived in Colorado. He is making friends, he is loving school, he gets to go on bike rides and hikes and our backyard shares a gated fence with the family next door. The neighbors have two young kids and they all play together almost every day. There is something so magically fantastic about listening to kids’ imagination just go wild as they play make believe, blow bubbles, write sidewalk chalk, or make forts with the outdoor toys. His language expansion has exploded, he has started playing more independently and he continues to adore and love on his little sister.

There are beautiful and good things going on in our life. I am grateful.

Additionally, I have been working tirelessly to get our care team together and make sure that we are not falling behind on all the progress we have made in the last year since he was first diagnosed. Currently, that means that he is seeing three different therapists in three different locations, on three different days and 99% of those times I am bringing Harper along with me. My goal is to get these therapies consolidated to two days in two locations, but I am on the waitlist for that possibility to become a reality.

Last week he saw a Physical Therapist for the first time since we moved here and I was told that we need to re-cast him and fit him for a new brace. This information has not come as too much of a shock for me because we were told that serial casting would be fluid in this process.

However, the casting news, transitioning to our new life and normal here, all of the therapies, doctors appointments, some pretty rough sleepless nights, sick kids and a slew of other things has caused a very slow breakdown that has been happening in my head and my heart, even through the moments of joy.

I started noticing my anxiety going through the roof, overwhelming irritability, feelings of inadequacy & just wanting to be alone and asleep as much as possible. Classic depression signs. I have lived this rollercoaster of depression before, but this time feels different. It feels harder, more daunting and more exhausting.

I feel like i’m running on empty, trying to operate at a high velocity of speed, with no end in sight.

Nathan grew increasingly worried about me and as much as he has been trying to help, he also knew something had to change that was bigger than what he could offer. I called my therapist for an emergency session.

There were some pretty massive realizations I had during this one hour therapy session:

• Before Elliott turned three years old, we experienced what I consider three different life threatening medical emergencies that all resulted in overnight hospital stays. That does not even include a speech apraxia diagnosis, cerebral palsy diagnosis, or miscarriage. That is a lot of trauma.
• Elliott was diagnosed with CP one year ago. The mind and body remembers those ‘anniversary’ dates & that can cause more intense emotional feelings.
• I have no reserves to pull from. My body shuts down when stress is entered rather than knowing how to adequately deal with it right now. I need to figure out how to get a baseline back so I have some strength to deal with whatever the future may hold.

My therapist also said something to me that hit me like a ton of bricks & I haven’t been able to get out of my head since. She said that I have accepted the CP diagnosis- but I have not accepted the longevity and chronicity of it. I knew instantly that she was right.

I have been paralyzed lately with fear at how daunting the continual workings of therapies will be for the unforeseen future. I have been paralyzed with fear that Elliott will feel different, or get bullied, or will start resisting wearing his brace, or will not be able to keep up with sports….

I am paralyzed with these thoughts so much so that they are crippling for me. I don’t know how this momma heart will deal with the pain my child experiences and the simple thought of it right now just simply shuts me down.

It is NO WONDER why I don’t feel like myself. Talking to a professional helped me to put some words and realizations to my emotions, but more importabtly, she helped me make a plan. Something has got to change so that I can be stronger and more capable for my family.

The current next steps are a full blood work-up from my doctor to check how stress has impacted my thyroid and adrenal glands. I will continue seeing my current therapist but I will also transition to a trauma specialist to get something called EMDR done. We will adjust the medicine I am currently on and I will focus on simple tasks like meditation, prayer, breathing & sleep. I will not be pushing myself to workout daily, or cook regularly. I will get back to the basics so that I can show up for my kids & husband, everyday.

I will get through this & I believe I will come out the other side stronger and better for it, but right now it is very safe to say, I am living in a hard season.

The beauty about living in Colorado is seeing the summer season physically change before my eyes to fall. I am watching the leaves turn from green, to yellow, to red all around and I am reminded that no matter how beautiful or how hard the season, the only constant in life is change. This will not last forever.

Is this woe is me? I don’t know, maybe. I hope it doesn’t read as such. I don’t need or want people feeling sorry for us. We are blessed beyond measure.

I believe with my whole heart that Elliott will change the world, that nothing will slow him down and that he will experience all of the possibilities of the world around him that he wants to. I also believe that raising Elliott and getting through the day to day of what our life entails will be my life’s greatest work, both as a challenge and as an honor.

I know that I am capable to handle the cards life has given me, even on my hardest days….I will end with this quote I heard the other day that has given me immense strength.

Peace

It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.