Finding Joy….and Therapy

It’s been awhile, so I want to share some life updates that I have personally experienced over the last few months. Welcome back!

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).

EMDR is a form of psychotherapy that is based on the idea that negative thoughts & feelings are the result of unprocessed memories from a traumatic event.  EMDR has been recommended to me from a handful of trusted professionals to specifically work through the memories surrounding Elliott’s birth.

In February, I started this process & although i’m not finished, it has already been life changing enough that I feel motivated to share about it, and explain in more detail what EMDR does, and how it works.

The treatment plan of EMDR consists of eight phases:

1. History Intake
2. Treatment Plan
3. Preparation
4. Assessment
5. Desensitization 
6. Positive Cognition 
7. Body Scan
8. Re-Evaluation

The first four stages identify feelings towards the traumatic event.  Phases five & six, work with what is called bilateral stimulation.  In layman’s terms, bilateral stimulation trains your brain to categorize the traumatic event as a memory instead of a debilitating emotion. Once you are done with this desensitization process, you rate how the traumatic event makes you feel. Is the hard memory replaced with positive, or neutral, cognition thoughts?  On a scale of 0-10, 10 being the most difficult feeling imaginable, how does this event make you feel? (The idea is that you would answer this question with a zero by stage eight). Currently, I am on stage five, which is desensitization.

This is, by far, one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done in my life. My therapist likes to describe this phase as a tangled up yarn ball in my brain we are working to untangle.  There are no two people, or traumas, that are the same when it comes to this therapy, so neither she nor I know how long we will be in the desensitization phase.  What I will say, is that for the first time, I am processing that Tuesday morning when Elliott was brought into the world in a way that is beginning to hold a much different memory than it used to.  My scale (as mentioned above) has moved from an 8/9 to a 5/6 and every session that number gets lower and lower.

Prior to the desensitization phase, I had a couple big light bulb moments that I have been learning about myself as well. I had no clue how much all of this was impacting me on a subconscious level:

1. My body and mind have been operating in what’s called fight, flight, freeze or faint stage(s) since April of 2018.  After you experience a trauma, it is very normal to go into these stages as your brain figures out the new “normal.”  However, I have never truly gotten out of these stages, although I thought I had.  In the last year, I was getting triggered by almost anything.  (IE: Doctors appts, friends having babies, hearing the word NICU, people asking me about Elliott’s brace, the list goes on and on).  I was never having a visceral response to any of this, until recently.

2. GUILT.  Oh my God, the guilt. I had no idea.  I believed everything was all my fault: the birth, his CP diagnosis, any pain he was in…Again, the list goes on and on.  It’s very hard to admit, but I was truly starting to believe I was not a good enough mom for him.  I became wildly jealous of Elliott’s relationship with Nathan and got super self conscious about almost every interaction Elliott and I had.  I was angry, all the time.  I was sad, all the time.  I felt inadequate, all the time. This feeling of guilt was impacting everything.  I saw a version of myself that I did not like at all, and I had no idea so much of it stemmed from this unrealized feeling of guilt.

Ironically enough, the reminder of this traumatic event I am talking about is right around the corner.  My sweet Elliott is about to turn four, next week.  Leading up to this date, I am holding that memory from four years ago in a much different place in my head and my heart than I have for any other birthday.  

The hard work and therapy is not done, but so far, the difference in mental clarity is already night and day.  I have more patience, confidence, joy and a renewed sense of security about myself, my family & my relationship with E.

One thing I know for sure is that putting in the time is exhaustive, expensive, and difficult, but gosh is it so SO worth it.  The people I am closest to deserve the best version of me & EMDR is helping me get there.  I hope that if anyone reading this is struggling, it can be a boost of encouragement to you as well.  

Hope

Show up hopeful and make the world around you a better place
Show up hopeful and your world will be better because of it